


My Last Time Trying

by Maymaaike



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Light Swearing, M/M, Sadness, unestablished relationship to established relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-10
Updated: 2013-10-10
Packaged: 2017-12-29 01:17:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/999145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maymaaike/pseuds/Maymaaike
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry - a world famous popstar - gets confronted with someone from his past again, and it's hard to let things stay how they were because they just weren't right like that - for neither one of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Last Time Trying

**Author's Note:**

> I liked the idea of this, but I don't really know about how it turned out, any opinions?  
> Next time I'll work on a one-shot I'll try to do one of the recommened ones (mostly sequels to existing stuff)
> 
> Lots of Love! xx

It’s been a long an tiring day for Harry, he decides as he twirls around in his desk chair. He’s fiddling with his pen and listening to the complaints of his colleagues with half an ear. They’re nearing the end of a long day of work, being met with people who thought they could sing, but more often than not, couldn’t. Being a judge on a singing contest isn’t always fun. Harry is seriously concerned his hearing has been damaged by all the high-pitched and off-key singing he’s had to endure. Luckily he has fun with the other judges, otherwise the days of the first auditions would’ve been dreary. Every now and then a rare gem appeared between all despair who raised all hope, and only made the frowns deeper with the next contestant.

 

When Harry was offered the position in the judge’s panel, he’d immediately agreed. He’d found his own way to fame through a programme like that one, coming in second but still breaking through afterward. Now he was releasing album after album, touring the world and meeting people all over the world. His life had drastically changed in the six years after entering the competition and he couldn’t wait to see it happen to other people, especially if it was because of what he’d taught him or her. He really hoped he could help people improve their singing.

 

And Harry’s life had been one big rom-com/chick-flick movie for the past years, so he really shouldn’t have been surprised by this.

 

Because the last contestant is brought in while Harry’s still spinning his very luxurious desk chair, clicking the end of it in a fast pace like he did when he was still in high school. His colleagues have settled down, scolding Harry for his behaviour. They did any chance they had, because Harry was the youngest. Harry huffs and put his feet down to stop his turning, taking in the last contestant. As he does, the pen in his hands flies through the studio, crashing to the floor awkwardly loud in the silence that’s present. The judges snort and look at him, but Harry only has eyes for the contestant that’s standing in front of them, shoulders hunched and feet shuffling awkwardly.

 

“Oh, so you know each other?” A judge speaks up, catching everybody’s attention. It takes a while for Harry to reply, because the contestant has looked up and caught Harry’s gaze, staring back just as intensely. “Uh..yeah, yeah we do. Hey Lou, ‘s been a while..” Louis swallows thickly and nods, eyes wide and scared as he looks at Harry. “How do you know each other?” Is asked, Harry vaguely registers a new pen is laid on the desk for him. “We-uh, he... we competed together...” Harry utters. “on the show..” A little over six years ago, and it’s been more than five years since they’d last seen each other, Harry hasn’t kept his promise...

 

Harry had been the youngest contestant on the show that year and he’d been alone and very nervous. Louis had taken pity on him and took him under his wing, and the two quickly became great friends. Harry admired Louis and his confidence, and he copied his actions like a little brother would. They became nearly inseparable in the few weeks they’d been together, spending almost all their waking moments in each others’ company. They shared secrets they’d never had the guts for to tell anyone, they comforted each other in moments of doubt or insecurities, safe to say they were tight. And then Louis had sung his last note on the competition, not popular enough to stay on, and Harry was alone. They both were devastated, because they simply couldn’t remember how to function without having each other there. Harry had been indescribably nervous about his first performance after Louis had left, only able to comfort over the phone. And then, after weeks of non-stop working, Harry succeeded to win the show, and Louis had hugged him so tight, saying he was proud and that he better stay in touch. “Don’t go all super-famous diva on me, Haz, don’t you dare.”

 

“What happened?” The question is now directed to Louis, who still looks like he did all those years ago; tiny. But instead of the bright energy he always seemed to emit when he was still one of Harry’s rivals, was now a dull shyness, a twitch in his fingers and a tremble in his voice. “Uh, well...uh, he came in second and became world famous, and I-I... ‘ve been trying to find my back into music ever since..” Harry lets himself fall back into the chair to take in the words Louis had stuttered out. Louis is still where he’d been six years ago.  

 

After he was voted off the contest in the second live show, he’s only been trying to accomplish something better than that. “And you think that will happen here?” Someone questions, Harry can’t even register who it was. Louis clears his throat softly, eyes nervously shifting between all the faces that’re staring at him but returning to Harry’s face every time. “Well, uh, I’ve decided that this is the last time...like, after this it’s done.” He speaks, heart hammering in his chest because he said it and it’s all real now. If he doesn’t get through the audition this time, he’ll stay at his current job, and he’ll try to forget those past six years ever happened.

 

Harry sits up a bit straighter, frowning at Louis. “No don’t give u-” “How many times have you auditioned in the past years?” His colleague interrupts him, hand softly patting Harry’s knee under the table because she senses the answer Louis will give, and knows how hard it is for the young judge to face reality, but Louis speaks- “44 auditions in five and a half years.”- and you can’t simply tell someone like that to not give up.

 

Harry falters, crumpling back in his chair miserably. “Okay, are you ready to sing for us?” There isn’t a lot of time left for that day and they really have to get on with it. Louis shrugs and nods, taking practised breaths and pursing his lips tightly.

It’s hard for him to look Harry in the eyes again, makes everything even more real. He can take a step back and look at all that Harry has accomplished in six years, and then compare that to himself, and he’ll have to try his hardest not to cry. He can remember being friends with Harry on the show, talking about everything with each other because they were both young and frightened. He can remember the assuring words spoken, the promises made and he can also clearly remember that none of them have been kept.

 

One time did they meet up after Louis was off the show, it was a quick meeting in a busy cafe and it was awkward in a way the two had never been with each other. Because Harry didn’t want to brag about his success and Louis didn’t want any pity, so they both didn’t know what to say.

And then Harry really broke through and Louis saw him on the covers of magazines, on posters in his sisters’ rooms and he heard his voice on the radio and he didn’t know how to feel. Because he was so proud of him, but also so jealous and depressed. He’d called him once, to congratulate him on reaching a certain milestone- can’t even remember what it was- but Harry didn’t really have the time to talk to him and it was awkward again so he’d hung up quickly. He’s never allowed himself to think about what great friends they were or how it would’ve been if they had kept in touch, because then he’ll realize how much he misses Harry, and he can’t do that to himself.

 

So he swallows it all away, trying to feel like the 24-year-old he is, and opens his mouth to tell the judges what he’s going to sing. But before he can, Harry rolls his chair away from the table and stands. “I’m sorry, but I can’t judge this audition.” He says, voice hoarse and flinching away from the touch of his colleague. “Harry,” A middle-aged man scolds, but he gets shushed by the woman that sits next to him, who pats Harry’s thigh comfortingly as she smiles and nods. “I just can’t,” Harry sighs, looking at Louis who keeps quiet and watches it all silently with a hammering heart. “I’ll say yes regardless.” He explains, descending the steps that lead up to the judges table and walking up to Louis.

 

He wraps his arms around his neck tightly, forcing Louis’ head in the crook of his neck as he crushes him into his chest. Louis tentatively holds his waist, focussing on his breath and not the smell of Harry which hasn’t changed at all over the years. “Blow them away, Lou, I know you can.” And Louis gasps around a sob because he’s never let himself miss this but he does, he misses the low voice that wasn’t all that low when they first met, misses the tall and strong boy who’s only gotten taller and stronger, who’s holding him so tight as if he’s afraid Louis’ will fall apart otherwise. Louis thinks he might. Louis feels like he does when Harry steps away and smiles at him, exiting the room to stand where his family if waiting for him.

“How does he expect me to sing now?” Louis tries to joke, but he’s breathless and nervous and his voice cracks already and he can feel that it’s not going to be a yes this time either.

 

\---

It’s not. It’s two no’s and one compassionate and sympathetic yes that’s not based on his singing whatsoever. It’s the same story as always; his voice is okay, but he’s too tame and boring. It’s not what they’re looking for, it’s no star-potential. Louis smiles watery and nods, taking in the feedback he’s heard too many times before. “So, what are you going to do now?” A judge asks, and Louis thinks that’s unfair, to ask him something like that instead of letting him go to his family. He just shrugs, trying for another pathetic smile before thanking them and nearly running out of the room. And he hates the camera that follows him around all the corners until he’s met with his family and Harry, all looking hopeful and expectant.

 

His mother is the first who notices, after 44 auditions she’s trained to tell when it’s a no. She opens her arms widely and lets Louis drown into them, saying nothing, just kissing the side of his head. Louis soon feels his sisters join and he wishes he could stay like that until he feels okay again, even though he knows that might be a while. He feels too many things at once to even try to deal with any of them, he just feels numb by overwhelming. He hears footsteps and cringes when he hears the judges again, when he hears them talk to Harry softly who demands to know why they didn’t let Louis through. He feels cold when his sisters and mother let go of him, feels pathetic when he can’t figure out how to function, feels sore when the judges pity him and try to make him feel better, he feels shattered when, after they’re gone, Harry swoops him into another hug and he can’t do anything but cling onto him like a lifeline.  

 

“I’m so sorry Lou.” Harry murmurs, slowly rocking their bodies back and forth as he noses into Louis’ hair. “’S alright, can’t do anything bout it.” Louis tries to shrug but finds himself stuck in Harry’s tight embrace. “No, no, that’s not what I mean.” Harry argues, pressing closer to Louis’ smaller body. “I mean I’m sorry, for not keeping in touch, for forgetting you, I really am.” Louis helplessly nods into Harry’s chest, humming a bit because he doesn’t know how to respond to that. Because why is today the chosen day to keep reminding him that he’s missed Harry? Why can’t that be a day where he’s not already so emotionally messed up? Louis concludes that life doesn’t really like Louis all that much, well he doesn’t like life very much either, so there’s that.

 

Harry draws back from the tight hug to look at Louis, holding him an arm length away. He looks pensive and upset and so much older than the last time Louis saw him, much more mature. “Can I, like, be better? Can we try again and then this time I’ll really keep in touch?” Louis takes a breath to prepare to speak, but he doesn’t know what he’s going to say yet. There’s nothing more he wants than to nod and dive back into the warmth that is Harry, to cuddle up to him for as long as they have and hope for a better ending this time. But he knows better than that, to let himself raise his hopes again while he knows really well that a second time isn’t going to be any different. Harry’s busy enough to forget about Louis again and Louis is lonely enough to miss him way too soon. “What’s going to be different this time, though, Haz?” The nickname slips out on accident, it feels warm and familiar on Louis’ tongue.

 

Harry sighs a bit sadly about having to be questioned, but wills himself to think. “Well, we can start by exchanging numbers again? Texting, calling, that kind of stuff..” He shrugs like the awkward and gangly boy Louis has known all along. “And then we can, like, arrange meet ups, or you could come to a concert of mine..if you’d want to.” Harry scrapes his teeth over his bottom lip as he looks at Louis hopefully. Louis lets out a sigh. “Of course I’ll come to one of your concerts,” He relents, glad to see Harry’s lips curl up. “but you just don’t know how much it hurt me to be let down by you, Haz.” He continues honestly, even though it makes Harry’s posture slump again. “I just... don’t really want to go through that again...” Louis shrugs a bit helplessly. He steps a bit backwards and Harry’s arms fall back to hang beside him forlornly. “Can I prove to you that it will be different this time?” Harry asks, not even trying to hide how desperate he sounds. Louis’ eyes awkwardly shift around the room, cheeks hurting with the embarrassment  of uncertainty. His mother and sisters are standing a few feet away, talking with each other and trying to pay as little attention to the boys as possible. Other than that the space is deserted.

 

Louis scratches his arm and bites his lip and Harry is slapped across the face with memories of Louis doing that same thing when he was nervous all those years ago. “Harry,” The nickname is gone, and Harry crumbles a bit at that. “we’ve both grown up now, we’re so much older.” Louis mourns, swallowing around the lump in his throat and trying to ignore the voice that is begging him to just accept Harry again and to crawl back into his arms. But Louis really can’t. Even if Harry were to keep his promise and they would become just as close as before, it wouldn’t be enough for Louis. It had never been enough for him. “Yes, so that’s why this will work, right? I’m not sixteen anymore, I’m not at the start of my career anymore, I can handle friendships on the side as well now.” Harry crowds closer to Louis, hands itching to reach out but opting against. Louis just shakes his head sadly, feeling as if they are in some stupid romantic movie as he speaks up. “I just can’t do ‘on the side’.” And that was definitely cut right out of a movie and pasted in Louis head.

 

“What do you mean? I didn’t mean it like that, of course you’ll be important to me. I just mean-” But Louis shakes his head away, deciding that if he doesn’t want to cry in front of Harry he has to leave now and doing just that, backing away from Harry slowly. And Harry can feel him slip through his fingers, can see Louis distant himself from him and it awakens some kind of instinct in him. Because just after Louis opens a door for him, sparks hope that he hadn’t been the only one with hidden feelings, he slams the door shut. And Harry simply won’t have that. He’s not going to wait another six years.

 

Just as Louis turns around, Harry wraps his arms around him, pulling him back into his chest as he clings as tightly as Louis had done previously. “Please, Lou, let me be your best friend again.” He murmurs, hoping to hear the desired answer. Louis chokes on a breath, forces that feel like gravity that he can’t fight pulling him into Harry’s broad chest. And Louis realises he can only get Harry to let him go if he speaks the truth. So he does. “Best friends has never been enough for me.” Harry’s breath hitches because that’s what he’s been wanting to hear for so long, that’s what he’s been dreaming to hear. Meanwhile, Louis is pretty certain he’s shattered, and that pieces of his shattered self have penetrated his heart in the most excruciatingly painful way. He’d hoped he would’ve never had to tell Harry this, tell anyone this, because now it’s on the surface again and who knows how long it will take for Louis to push it down again?

 

Louis freezes when he feels chapped lips pressed to the back of his neck. “Harry, stop that, that’s unfair.” He wheezes. He knows it had always been common for them to do things like that, but this is too cruel. But the lips don’t stop, they keep peppering kisses everywhere on his neck, behind his ear, on his jaw and Louis is trembling so hard that he’d fall to the floor, wasn’t Harry holding him. “Harry fuck off.” Louis splutters, trying to fight his way out of Harry’s grip. Louis almost feels victory when Harry’s arms let him go, and feels terrified when he’s pulled back to Harry, chest to chest this time. “Harry, you’re scaring me.” Louis whispers hoarsely, letting out a breath when Harry ceases all movements.  The fear in Louis eyes freezes Harry’s thoughts. He wants to slap himself silly for watching so many romantic comedies because in real life it doesn’t go like that. Harry can’t just kiss Louis to make him understand, to make things okay.

 

Harry sighs deeply and chews on his bottom lip. “I never wanted to be best friends either.” And it’s a little bit easier because of what Louis had already said, but it’s still so scary to just say something like that, to open up like that with the chance of losing Louis. A vague thought swarms his mind, telling him it’s better to know where they’re at and not see each other anymore than to not know.

Now it’s Louis turn to freeze, staring at Harry’s face to detect a lie. It’s easy to tell if Harry’s lying, at least to Louis it is, and his breath hitches a bit when he notices he isn’t. He wants to ask things like ‘do you want to be friends at all?’ ‘what do you mean?’ and other clichés, but he won’t. “What if we kiss now, then?” He asks instead, biting his lip as he sees Harry’s face light up. “What if we kiss and we fall madly in love with each other, heck what if we decide – in the heat of the moment- to fuck or something stupid like that? Will anything change? Will it really? Because you’re still busy being a superstar and I’m still un-busy being me and I’ll still draw the short end. It will only hurt more like that, won’t it?” He asks reluctantly, for one time hating that he can be so rational. He knows it’ll be best for him in the long run, but right now it fucking hurts. Harry’s hopeful smile has gone down again, eyes gone so sad for Louis. Sad that he has to have a very secure certainty before he can give himself away. He admires Louis for it, but he also knows it comes from years of disappointment and he also knows he’s contributed to the disappointment.

 

“Can we just kiss and find out?” He begs pathetically. “Please, Lou, I don’t know how I can let you know I’ve changed without letting you witness it first-hand. I know I won’t disappoint you again, and I know I will do everything I can to love you like you deserve and to make you feel safe, but if you can’t take my word for it, you can only know if you’ll let me.” He breathes, face half buried in Louis’ hair, to take in what could be his last moments with him. But instead of more resistance, instead of what Harry had expected, Louis falters, crumbles into him and deflates with a big breath. “Okay.” Comes a weak reply. “Okay.” Even softer this time. In a numb kind of euphoria, Harry wraps Louis up in his endless arms, pressing him close and softly rocking them from side to side. Harry realises that Louis has just let his walls down again for him, that Harry talked Louis into letting someone in again, while Louis knows like no other how painful it is to have your trust broken. “Thank you,” He murmurs into the hair underneath him. “I won’t let you down, I promise Lou.” He leans back to meet Louis’ shiny eyes and winces when they’re numb.

 

“Lou, you don’t have to. It’s your life and your decision, and if saying yes to this doesn’t make you happy I don’t want you to do it, okay?” Louis doesn’t respond immediately. He sighs a bit before meeting Harry’s eyes again. “We’re you really going to let me walk away if I said no? I basically already said no a few minutes ago. You’re persistent, Harry.” And those words scare him, because Louis is just going to give Harry him because he won’t shut up, apparently that’s how little he estimates his own worth. “Lou-” “Just kiss me.” And surprisingly, it’s Louis who pulls Harry down for a kiss, because maybe he sounds like he doesn’t want this at all, but he too has been craving Harry in this way for six years. He absolutely would love to be the centre of Harry’s attention, but he isn’t convinced completely yet. He’s careful, but a bit of his defences melt away when Harry kisses him back. It ignites stupid sparks, the ones he’s read about in books, and he wonders if his feet will pop on its own or if he should do it as a form of appreciation. He settles for melting into Harry’s broad chest again, heart beating so loudly against his ribcage he can barely hear anything anymore.

 

When Harry pulls back, he’s a bit hesitant, but when he sees Louis’ face he smiles. He pulls Louis back to him and knocks their foreheads together. He feels untouchable when Louis grins up at him because it’s genuine and Harry can believe that Louis actually wants this relationship as much as he does. “You know, I never would’ve thought this would be so fucking cliché, always thought I’d either never tell anyone or just blurt it out in a drunken mood.” Louis muses. Harry grins and bops his nose with his own. “See? Fucking cliché.” Louis repeats, but grinning brilliantly. And Harry gladly lets Louis blabber on about that as they walk out of the building behind his family, nodding and humming along happily because he’s got Louis and he doesn’t care if they looked like actors in there, they kissed and Harry feels like he’s sixteen again and he’s never been happier about that.

 

And yeah, maybe Louis never became a famous singer like Harry did, but he loved teaching little children how to sing or make music – more: how not to break your instrument. He was happy with that, most if his happiness came from not dwelling on the past anymore. Sometimes he felt a bit bummed about all his hard work that ended out in nothing, but he loved his job and he loved his life and after years he was still with Harry and he couldn’t believe that. He would’ve been happy with a year with him, breaking up on good terms or something like that, but apparently Harry stuck around longer than that, and he was actually home a lot to be with Louis and it was all so overwhelmingly positive that Louis didn’t understand how he deserved all that. Harry did though, and he’d remind him of the shit he’s already been through and tell him that he deserves good luck more than anyone, but Louis would just shut him up affectively with a kiss. Harry’d get another chance later at night, when their bodies would be entangled and he could murmur sweet words into Louis’ naked skin and Louis could almost believe them before drifting off to blissful sleep.   


End file.
